Fear Management
How do we live a life less afraid?
“This is an age of devastating tumult. It is an age of magnificent possibility. Much is breaking. Much is being born. The two go hand in hand, and that is one of the deepest and strangest, most terrible and most redemptive truths of human reality.” ~ Krista Tippett
The other night, a young friend of mine came over unexpectedly. She was distraught. She’d wanted to work for the federal government her entire adult life. She’d done everything right, including completing grad school at night while working full time. She’d cleared all the bureaucratic hurdles and physical fitness tests and gotten an important job protecting the country.
And now a new administration was upending the federal workforce that she’d joined. Funds had been frozen. Job offers revoked. Her work had nothing to do with diversity, equity or inclusion but she’d been ordered to turn in any coworkers who tried to disguise this kind of work. It was demoralizing, not to mention insulting.
Orwellian mandates spread fear and distrust. They will drive out talented workers, and the new administration’s current hiring freeze means those people won’t be replaced soon. Meanwhile, the important work of my friend’s agency is being neglected. People are spending their time worrying, whispering and job searching.
She couldn’t understand it. What was the goal? It couldn’t be government “efficiency,” as the administration claimed. This was the opposite of efficient.
It was almost as if these new leaders wanted the government to fail, so they could point to what a failure it was. That didn’t make any sense, did it?
Job One
This is how high conflict works. Under its spell, people do things that appear to others to make no sense. Sometimes, they mimic the behavior of their opponents, without realizing it. (i.e. Fight violence with violence! Fix censorship with censorship! etc.)
Eventually, everyone captured by high conflict starts to harm whatever they went into the fight to protect—whether it’s their country or their children. It’s heartbreaking. And it’s not unique to one party or even to politics.
In ugly divorces, couples desperate to protect their kids from one another can end up putting them through a living hell. Journalists, devoted to protecting the free press, can end up behaving so righteously that they ensure their own irrelevance. And politicians, hellbent on reforming a bureaucracy, can leave it broken and corrupted.
It all seems justified when it’s your side who does it. “What choice did we have?” And, “How dare you equate my side with their side?” When the other side does it, though, the hypocrisy is overwhelming. It doesn’t seem like they are caught in a conflict trap; it seems like they are evil.
The first task, for me right now, is to stay out of high conflict in my own head. I don’t want to perpetuate this cycle, even in my own little corner of the world. And I do want to be of service whenever I can, which means I need to preserve some energy and sanity.
Staying in good conflict always starts with managing fear. At the root of every culture war and political clash is, usually, fear. But we rarely speak of it. Which is a shame because mismanaged fear leads to terrible decisions, as we keep seeing.
So what can we do with fear in the months and years to come? We’re told, by just about every great spiritual leader and psychologist that it’s only by facing fear that we can be free.
I don’t know about you, but I struggle with this. Reading the news and listening to friends of mine who work in the federal government, I felt waves of dread, sadness and fear. I sat with those feelings, for about an eighth of a second. Then my brain kicked into action, striving to find a solution, predict the future, pinpoint blame or convince my husband that he, too, should be very, very upset.
I work hard to stifle feelings of fear. I stuff them down and pretend I’m immune. Or I cover them up with blame. That can work for a while. But here’s what I know for sure: in this state, we make more mistakes. We take things out on each other. And then, the fear just comes back, only stronger.
These days, we’re inundated with news that causes fear. Sometimes, the fear is valid and urgent. Usually, it’s more abstract. Always, it’s incomplete.
Our brain is not designed to deal with this kind of illusory, rippling fear. And we are doomed to live small, confining lives if we let this fear occupy us. We will mistreat one another, sabotage our cause and miss opportunities.
So how can we resist this trap, in our own heads, regardless of what other people do? How can we live a life less afraid?
4 Steps to Retrain Your Brain
A brand new book called Chasing Peace by Tom Rosshirt (whose other work I’ve written about for POLITICO Magazine) works to answer this question through a blend of neuroscience and spirituality.
A former White House speechwriter, Rosshirt chronicles his own story of trying to find inner peace after decades of striving, worrying and working far too much. Eventually, in his early 50s, he gets chronically ill, plagued by mysterious symptoms including brain fog, anxiety and depression. He tries all manner of treatments, supplements and saunas. Finally, on the advice of his doctors, he moves out of his home, away from his wife and kids, to live in a “clean” apartment 30 minutes away, far from lead paint, allergens or other triggers. He runs away from the danger, in other words.
And his health gets worse.
Eventually, Rosshirt does something shocking: he takes a workshop on retraining the brain's fear response and ends up throwing away all his supplements and moving back home. Learning from clinicians who have been uncovering the connection between pain and the brain, he begins changing how he responds to sensations. Instead of avoiding the things that cause him pain, he goes towards them.
This not only reduces his pain; it turns him into a more present, joyful human.
The book is worth reading for many reasons—including that it is laugh-out-loud funny. (How many pain books can you say that about?) It also aligns with just about everything else I’ve researched and experienced when it comes to managing pain and fear of all kinds.
So for those of you looking to manage fear in a healthier way in 2025, here is a very basic guide to what seems to work, in four (oversimplified) steps:
1. Identify the Thought (& the Thought Underneath the Thought):
Feelings come from thoughts. So the first step for managing fear is to try to identify the thought that stokes the feeling. My strong recommendation is to write the thought down. Get it out of your head and onto paper.
Here’s a small example to show you what I mean: Not long ago, Rosshirt was preparing for a presentation that felt very high-stakes for his career. He could feel the fear coursing through his bloodstream, driving him to get up at 5 o’clock in the morning and work until midnight. What if he failed? His self-image was in the crosshairs.
Most dysfunctional conflict comes from threats to our self-image, real or perceived. Something happens to jeopardize a sacred story we tell ourselves. “At the core of every such story is ‘I’m a good person. I belong. I deserve to be loved. I’m special. And I’m right,’” as Rosshirt explains. That story makes us feel safe—and (often) superior. (In fact, one reason some DEI efforts backfired was because of this exact problem. The main message heard by lots of white people was, “You are a bad person.” Right or wrong, “you are a bad person” cannot lead to lasting change. It almost always leads to a backlash.And so will the current efforts to expunge DEI from the culture. It will lead to the opposite reaction of what is intended--if not now, then later.)
Everyone wants to believe they are good, including you and me. But this attachment to a story about our self-worth can also keep feeding the fear, fueling the high conflict.
So Rosshirt tried to identify the thought. His first thoughts featured a lot of blame (they usually do). For example: “These people are expecting too much from me!” In my experience, if the thought isn’t vaguely embarrassing to own up to, you probably haven’t gone deep enough.
What is underneath the blame? It took a few tries, but eventually he got to this: “I need to amaze people.” For him to matter in the world, the presentation needed to be…literally…breathtaking. That is a lot of pressure.
2. Notice the Thought. Just Stare at It:
We can’t stop our thoughts. But if we notice them, we can start to loosen their hold over us.
Suffering doesn’t come from fear, it comes from our response to fear. The story we tell ourselves, one thought after the other, feeds fear and can lead to chronic pain and illness, as study after study keeps showing us.
So Rosshirt noticed the thought: “I need to amaze people.” He didn’t refute it. He just let it be.
Unsatisfying? I know. Read on!
3. Question the Story:
OK, you’ve written down the thought (and the thought underneath it), and you’ve allowed yourself to sit with it for a moment. Now what?
Ask yourself if that thought is 100% true. Gently challenge the thought.
Is your entire value on this earth determined by your job? Or whether a politician you’ve never met thinks you matter? Or even whether you can pay the rent?
In other words: feel the fear, then challenge the thought. That’s where we start to chip away at the calcified stories we are telling ourselves.
Here’s how this conversation went for Rosshirt:
Why do I need to amaze people? What’s in it for me?
If I amaze people, I’ll get belonging.
OK but what am I calling belonging? Belonging is not a fact. It’s a feeling. It’s a buzz I equate with the belief ‘People love me. I’m safe.’
Notice he didn’t reject the lies he was telling himself. That would make the lies stronger. He just held them up to the light, checking for holes in the logic.
4. Write Down a More Accurate Thought:
Soon, he came up with a new thought. Instead of, “I need to amaze people,” he thought: “I need to be amazed by people.”
That, he could do. With this new, more realistic thought in mind, he found he could prepare for his presentation almost effortlessly.
A Test Drive
Sounds nice, for other people, yes? I agree.
So this morning, I tried to practice, doing all four steps of these steps myself to cope with my fear about the political divide in our country. I told myself I would not share this with you, since that would be embarrassing.
But then I heard Rosshirt’s voice in my head. If we can let ourselves be embarrassed, we can loosen our grip on our self-image—and live with less fear. We can step out of the dance of high conflict—and make it harder for conflict entrepreneurs to exploit us.
So fine. (I hope you’re happy, Rosshirt.) Here we go:
1. Identify the Thoughts:
We are stuck, as a country, in a never-ending cycle of blame, fear and contempt. This cycle will cause unnecessary suffering for me, people I love and everyone else. It will destroy whatever fragile trust and civic fabric we have left.
And what thoughts are underneath all of that…if I’m being honest?
Everything I have done to “fix” this country is failing. No one is listening. Which is to say, I don’t matter. I am not special. This totally sucks.
2. Allow the Thoughts:
Interestingly, the second thought, about my own grandiose fantasy for “fixing” the country, is easier to sit with. I can see my own hubris and even laugh at it.
3. Question the Thoughts:
Am I absolutely sure these thoughts are 100% true? Fortune telling is one of the most common cognitive distortions, and I am doing it here quite clearly. I actually do not know what will happen in the country, and neither do you. I might be right about the future; I might not.
As for my failure to fix the country, well, that is 100% true. 😊 But if I were to ask my friends and family if that’s what makes me matter in the world, I’m pretty sure they’d laugh in my face.
This fix-it fantasy gives me a “buzz,” as Rosshirt puts it, when I get positive feedback, but the buzz never lasts. It’s a delusion, one that, in the long term, fuels more fear.
4. Write a New Thought:
OK, how’s this instead:
We may be stuck in a long cycle of blame, fear and contempt. Conflict entrepreneurs will probably make some things worse and cause additional suffering. I will not be able to fix this single-handedly but if I can stay in good conflict in my own head, I may be able to step out of this perpetual feedback loop—and seize opportunities to be of service.
And whatever happens, the more connection, embarrassment and straight-up silliness I can invite into my everyday life, the more peace I will feel—no matter what chaos ensues.
Some of you may be thinking: “How nice for you, Amanda. You are not being deported or fired. Easy for you to say!”
And that’s true. It is easy for me to say. But what I’ve learned is that the stories we tell ourselves really matter, even when we are directly in the line of fire.
The other night, sitting on my couch, my friend considered her options. Should she leave the government, giving up on her dream and potentially hastening the decline of her department? Or should she stay, and try to do what she can in a hobbled and dysfunctional government?
She had no answers. But as she zipped up her long winter coat, she gave me a big, beautiful smile and said, “It’s weird. I’ve never felt more patriotic. This is my country, too.” And then she slipped off into the darkness.
3 Good Things
This New Yorker story by Nick Romeo on the rise of Citizen Assemblies is beautifully written and hopeful. Maybe Congress can’t get things done, but 30 random Americans can be strikingly creative and reasonable.
A tense and revealing conversation between New York Times columnist Ross Douthat and venture capitalist Marc Andreessen about “How Democrats Drove Silicon Valley Into Trump’s Arms.”
This remix of the song Julieta by Amarea. Best listened to while running. Or lying on the ground staring at the clouds.
© 2025 Amanda Ripley. See privacy, terms and information collection notice.
I love the shift from "I want to amaze people" to "I want to be amazed by people." It's a powerful reorientation, a ticket out of the misery of self involvement. Thanks for sharing this piece.
Can't thank you enough for this piece. You're one of the true "helpers" out there focused on the honorable right side of history.